Whom to Marry

What advice can I give my children about being married? What did I learn in my long life that I can share with them?

Getting sexually attracted is not love. It's a special feeling, and it's needed, but in marriage, with time, it changes in importance and is not the driving force anymore. So, for a long marriage, an important variable is how you two resolve conflicts that always arise in a marriage, like in any relationship. What I learned in my long life is to marry a partner who resolves problems with faith and not out of fear. When a person tries to resolve a problem out of fear, they raise their voice, interrupt you when you talk, and do not let you finish your point. They first disagree with you and only after a long discussion might agree with you.

That fear is not of you. It was created in their past—in their childhood, at school where they were bullied by roommates, or maybe with parents who didn’t give them enough recognition, whatever the cause. They live in fear of not being good enough or capable enough and are afraid you might discover their weaknesses, realize who they really are, and leave them or withhold your love. That fear brings them to be defensive, and one aspect of being defensive is to be aggressive.

People who decide out of faith listen and think before they react. They listen carefully to your arguments, address the content of the argument, and try to find out where you are right. If you're not right, they will tell you why—without being judgmental or accusatory. They have faith that your point must have some value, and they want to understand what that value is. If they find no value, they take the time to peacefully explain and teach you where you're at fault.

At the end of the conversation or debate, if you feel depleted, upset, or have lost energy, you’ve dealt with a person who acts out of fear. If you feel energized and thankful that you have learned something new, you have dealt with a person who is working out of faith.

Over a lifetime of marriage, what a partner is supposed to contribute to the relationship changes. Physical sexual attraction and physical appearance become less relevant with time, and new needs in the relationship arise. Sexual attraction keeps a couple "in love," usually during courtship, and is the driving force in the relationship until they tie the knot. Then, there is a home to take care of, budgets to adhere to, and when a child is born, there is a need for being a good, attentive, and supportive parent. When the kids leave the nest, we need a partner to converse with, to share experiences with, and to be supportive as we age.

Before getting married, we need to check: Is our future partner working out of faith or fear? Are they capable of changing roles as life progresses?

Many advise marrying someone from the same neighborhood where one grew up. The couple will be culturally compatible. Their experiences in how to lead a marriage will be similar, and they will not clash with conflicting expectations. With open borders and globalization, this is happening less and less. The couple needs than, at the very least, to share the same values.

It is not easy to find a good long-term partner. Finding a lifetime partner is probably the most important decision one can make in life and should not be made just because "we are in love."