On Building Trust

Mutual trust is a very important component of personal relationships. When there is no trust, a lot of energy is lost, and the effectiveness of solving problems that require cooperation suffers.

How can we build trust? There is an expression, at least in the Western world, that says “life is give and take." In the Middle East, they say it differently: “Life is take and give.”

What is the difference?

When you give first, you show trust that the other person will reciprocate. If you take first, it shows that you are not fully trusting the other person to reciprocate. 

Why is giving first a way to build trust? When you give first, you make yourself vulnerable. You are willing to lose. When you give and expect nothing in return—when you give anonymously—you show absolute trust, not necessarily in the person you gave to, but in the system. If you are religious, you show trust in God that your contribution will be well used.

This discussion has given me the insight that all constructive change must start with trust—with giving first. The typical mistake is expecting the other person to change first. That might be the reason for many family divorces. All family relationships have problems that need to be addressed. We usually expect the other party to change. And they expect us to change first. The result might be either divorce or the continuation of a very unhappy marriage.

If destructive relationships call for change, each participant must take responsibility for changing themselves rather than expecting the other party to change first. If no one is willing to be vulnerable, there is no chance for a solution.

Interestingly, it seems to me that this insight also applies to international relations. I’m struggling with the crisis in the Middle East. Israel has a problem with the Palestinians, and thousands upon thousands of people are killed—many of them children and women. This situation needs to change, but who will be the first to make the change? Israelis tell me it must be the Palestinians: “We cannot make peace with animals that butcher people.”

The insight from this discussion, I feel, is that the first to change—in how we treat them, for instance—must be us. The other way around—expecting others to change first—does not work, especially in the Middle East, where mistrust is deeply ingrained in the cultures.